Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
