with your own penis?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
