I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
