got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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