wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
