every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
