my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
