my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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