I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you didnt know i had herpes?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
