Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
