Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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