he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
