she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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