I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
