I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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