Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
