we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
