I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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