WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
