Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
