all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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