She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
