How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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