I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
