I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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