I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
