Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
