How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
