I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
