Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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