I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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