i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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