I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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