He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
