i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
where am i from again
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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