Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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