Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
