were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
