Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
