I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
