WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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