Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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