its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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