Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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