Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
