No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
