I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
