The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
