Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
