My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How's work?
Spinning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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