my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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