1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
