the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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