Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
