You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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