I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
